Do not say bad things about your ex or complain about exes in general. Tiktok added at the end.
One of the major challenges Gays face is developing relationships in a hostile world. This is one of a series of short essays to help people find a boyfriend.
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Why I am having relationship advice postings?
From what I am observing on Facebook and in other media, the primary concern of most Gays is finding a boyfriend and having a lasting relationship.
Given that we are in an often hostile world there are forces making finding a boyfriend difficult, and also being only 3% of the populaton we have an additional challenge to finding someone.
Helping the Gay community find a boyfriend I think would help build up the community’s strength.
However, if you don’t want a boyfriend that is fine also.
Some of what I have to say I think might be applicable to Lesbians, but that is a speculation on my part. I am writing this for Gay men since I don’t want to claim that any of my advice might be relevant. Their lives are different, they have no circuit parties, or Mommyland, or Lesbian bath houses, but they seem to be happy and not regret this.
In my 49 years of my Gay life I have had a relationship for 42 of those years, my last is going on 32 years. I have had three boyfriends, the first we broke up because I was going to graduate school on the other side of the country. The 2nd we remained friends and his new boyfriend lived with us for a while until I moved away to a new job. They visited my new place. It was an amicable seperation.
Do not say bad things about your ex or complain about exes in general
Complaining about your ex is an impediment to finding your future relationship.
I notice that there is a frequent practice of people saying bad things about their ex or exes. This is something you shouldn’t do.
When people were going on about their ex being a horrible person, I used to joke:
Either it isn’t true and you are slandering them, or it is true and you letting people know you have poor judgement or both.
I wasn’t trying to enlighten the person complaining, I just didn’t want to hear about it. Likely your friends will share the same feeling. However, most times they stop to think for a moment and began to realize their self-destructive habit.
It is also often true that it is slander or it is poor judgement. There is the person who has had a series of boyfriends with the same issues.
Likely if you are emotionally upset about your ex, you will exaggerate. This will be perceived as “drama” which is a despised quality on Grindr.
There additional big negatives:
[1] Everyone will wonder what you might say about them if they are your next ex.
[2] Having you as a significant other might involve is a lot of time listening to complaints. This is also known as ‘drama.”
You are making it harder for yourself in meeting new people.
It is okay to say, “He is an ex, we parted on bad terms,” in a detached voice so they don’t introduce you to your ex or expect you to socialize with your ex. If someone inquires as to what the reason was, just say, “It is in the past, it just didn’t work out.” Again, say it with a detached voice.
However, if the break up was over a week ago, why are you still complaining about the ex? How are you put together emotionally such that this is a continuing emotional drama? It tends to broadcast to others that you have issues and lack maturity.
If your voice is loud on the issue, it will be like a flashing red light alarm to warn others about you.
You might as well tattoo a biohazard sign on your forehead.
You also open up to community judgement as to why your relationship broke up. This might prove to be unpleasant. You might discover that general opinion is in sympathy with your ex and since you are already having drama over the issue, you will be potentially aggravated to have more drama.
Finding out that the community feels you are at fault and not your ex, might be an opportunity for personal reflection and self-improvement, but this is a theoretical idea. I have never known it to happen.
The other thing is that the problem with your ex might be a repeating problem
Further if your ex is like you, it stimulates hm to talk badly about you, and the two you will then have an ongoing war of words, a lose-lose situation. It isn’t a lose situation for the general Gay community since for them, it is a biohazard warning. If he instead refuses to say bad things, it gives him the moral high ground and you are seen as a vindictive psycho.
Many of the persons who are aggrieved because you turned them down at the club will have schadenfreude, that is derive satisfaction over your suffering.
However, the biggest reason not to be talking about your ex, is that you aren’t focused on your future. To the extent it is something you feel compelled to talk about or feel emotionally about, it is something tying you to the past and occupying your thinking. You aren’t thinking about the future and meeting someone new.
Again, if someone asks why you broke up, be gracious and vague and without blame. Say things like, “We just didn’t have chemistry,” “We drifted apart,” and other uninformative responses, even if you broke up because he tortured your cat.
Ed Sebesta is one of the bad Gays who is writing not so much to make the world a better place, but to hear less whining.
This person says it much more directly.
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